Everyone has a right to be safe and free from violence, and children have a right to grow up in a violence-free household.

Domestic Violence should not happen to anybody. Ever. Period.
But it does - and when it does, there is help. Maybe you have lived with abuse, maybe it happened just once; maybe you work or live next to someone who is being abused right now.

What is Domestic Violence?
Domestic Violence is a leading cause of death to women that is eclipsed only by breast cancer and heart attack. It is a national disgrace that knows no racial, ethnic, age, or socio-economic boundaries. Domestic violence has been around since the beginning of time, and has its roots in a number of complicated social, behavioral, and personality factors.

You know what it is, even if you don't know it by its official name. It starts out with rising tensions, harsh words, outbursts of temper, and grows into a climax of anger, terror, and physical injury, invariably followed by apologies and promises that are never kept. In other forms, it may be public or private berating and humiliation, stalking, incessant criticism, or rough and aggressive sexual relations, including spousal rape. The cycle keeps repeating, and gets a little worse each time.

• It's not normal
  Anger is a normal, natural, and essential part of all human relationships, and if honest feelings are expressed and useful dialogue results, it's a good thing. Most people handle their anger in at least a mature, if not always successful manner. Domestic violence is not communication, and is part of an entirely different agenda. It is a one-sided and ineffective way of dealing with conflict. Domestic violence is a learned pattern of behavior in dealing with frustration, conflict, power, and control that some people choose to use. We don't know exactly where it comes from, although some researchers think it might be a part of early imprinting in abusive households.
• It's against the law
  There are new and effective laws that basically prohibit a spouse or domestic partner from injuring, assaulting, menacing, threatening or harassing their partner. The laws are straightforward and easy to enforce, and the San Mateo County District Attorney is committed to vigorous prosecution of all cases of domestic violence. Restraining orders are now much easier to get, and police can get emergency protective orders on-the-spot.
• It doesn't get any better on its own
  Attempts to change the behavior that led up to the violence are useless and personally demeaning. It is not about the fact the beer was not cold enough, or the kids were making too much noise. Victims who could be perfect would be subject of violence for being that way. Most experts now agree that the only effective solution is intervention.
• Everybody knows
  People don't run into doors and get black eyes, nor do they fall down and break ribs or eardrums. People know what it means to wear dark glasses in the office. Medical professionals, among others, are required by law to report suspected domestic abuse to the local police, and personal denial only delays the inevitable decisions and actions you will need to take.

You need to do something about it !
Being abused causes immediate and obvious injury to the victim, but it also exacts an insidious toll on self esteem and self worth, which we need as much as physical health. But even more than that, children who are forced to witness violence are learning from the two most important people in their lives- learning how men and women treat each other- and how they deal with anger and conflict. For no one else, children must be removed from an abusive environment and parents have a duty and obligation to them.

We can help, and we want to help.
Feeling trapped and hopeless is a normal, and expected victim's reaction. We know that without a plan and resources, simply getting up and walking out of a relationship is unrealistic. All relationships, even abusive ones, are complicated with emotional, economic, and legal consequences. We also know that battered persons may call the police many times, and later decline to pursue a criminal action, divorce, or a restraining order. Fortunately, there are a number of skilled professionals that can help you through the steps to bring the violence to an end. We invite you to visit and consult with any of us as you decide exactly what you want to do.

Wishing and hoping never fixed anything. Getting out of an abusive relationship is do-able, but it does require some planning and thinking, and the courage and resolve to take the first step.

How do I get Help? Simply call 9-1-1, and we will be there.
The Foster City Police Department will come out to your house any time of the day or night to investigate, counsel, intervene, or arrest those committing domestic violence.

When you call for help:

• The officers will come in your house - even over the objection of your partner.
• They will talk to you in a safe place away from your partner, and not leave until we can get you and your children to a safe place.
• The officers will detain and arrest those who have violated the law, and take them to jail.
• Sometimes the officers can arrest violators on our own, and sometimes they may ask you to make a citizen's arrest. The officer will explain the alternatives and options to you, and make sure you are safe while they are there.
• We can arrange to have you notified when an arrested person is about to be released from jail.

The officers will help you seek an Emergency Protective Order so that you are safe from that person, and provide you other information and services to help you go forward in resolution.

In a non-emergency situation, you can always stop by the police station at any time, and informally and confidentially consult with an experienced police officer to help you decide on options and choices. Sometimes, that is the best thing to do.

Resources - Where to Turn for Help

If you are in danger and need immediate help,
CALL 9-1-1 now!

This link will take you to a list of available resources. It's in the PDF format, so you'll need the free Adobe Acrobat reader software to read it.

This link will take you to the Adobe site to download the free reader if you need it.

This link will take you to the County of San Mateo Family and Domestic Violence website

Restraining Order Information:

What is a restraining order?
A Restraining Order is a civil (not criminal) order, signed by a judge, that makes it illegal for someone to do certain things, such as harass, threaten, or annoy you. It makes it possible for the police to arrest someone for coming back to your home, or bothering you at work, when those actions would not otherwise be a crime.

There are several types of restraining orders that can be useful in helping to keep a person from bothering you:

• An Emergency Protective Order (EPO) is just what the name implies. It is a restraining order that the police can get for you, even in the middle of the night by conferring with an on-call Judge. The EPO is only good for a few days, and should be followed by obtaining a restraining order.
• A Temporary Restraining Order (TRO) is is an order issued by the court, in advance of a court hearing held to determine if a regular restraining order should be issued. You or your attorney can get one by filing the appropriate papers with the court. TRO?s are only good until the date of the court hearing for issuance of a regular restraining order. After this hearing, at which the restrained person has the right to appear, the order may be made effective for years afterward, as a full Restraining Order.
• A Restraining Order, or Order After a Hearing (OAH) is an order issued by the court instructing a specified person to:
  • Stay a specified distance away from you.
  • Stay away from your home, work, school, family's home, children's school, child care center, or baby sitter's home.
  • Move out of your home, even if the batterer's name is on the lease or he/she is co-owner.
  • Give you custody of your children and make visitation orders.
  • Pay child support.
  • Not to call or write you or do so through another person.
  • Divide up some of your property.
  • Reimburse you for lost earnings and/or actual expenses directly caused by violence.

Who Can get a Domestic Violence Restraining Order?

There are several kinds of Restraining Orders. If you do not meet the criteria below, you can still file for a Civil Harassment Restraining Order.

To get a Domestic Violence Restraining Order, you must meet two conditions:

• Relationship - You and the person to be restrained must be either married, formerly married, related by blood/marriage/adoption, currently living together as cohabitants, have formerly lived together, have had a dating or engagement relationship, or be parents of a minor child.
• Violence - The person to be restrained must have caused, threatened or attempted bodily injury to you or another member of your household, sexually assaulted you or another member of your household, stalked you, or placed you or another member of your household in reasonable fear of physical or emotional harm.
• Additional Information:
  • If you are married, you do NOT have to file for divorce in order to get a Restraining Order.
  • If you are a minor (under 18 and not married or legally emancipated), you can get a Restraining Order against a dating partner without an adult signing papers with you. However, if you live with a parent and come to court without a parent or other adult serving as your guardian ad litem, the court can decide that one of your parents should be notified of the order. To get a Restraining Order against someone other than a dating partner, you will need to have an adult (anyone age 18 or older) sign papers with you and serve as your guardian ad litem (person looking after your interests in the court case).
  • If you are undocumented, you can still get a Restraining Order. The court should not ask about your immigration status and will not report you to Immigration. Also, if your batterer is your spouse and is a citizen or lawful permanent resident, you may be able to get legal papers. Contact the Immigration Service for more information regarding this.
  • If your batterer is undocumented, the Family Court should not inquire into his/her status. However, if he/she violates the Restraining Order and is arrested, he/she could be deported and it will become harder for him/her to get legal papers.

How Can you get a Domestic Violence Restraining Order?

• Obtain the forms - Free forms are available on-line at http://www.courtinfo.ca.gov/forms/ (select the domestic violence in your language of of choice from the drop-down form selctor) or at the South County Court, 400 County Center, Room B, Redwood City, CA 94063, (650) 363-4711 or at the North County Court, 1050 Old Mission Road, South San Francisco, CA 94080, (650) 877-5705.
• Fill out the forms - You can get free help completing the forms by going to the Family Law Facilitator on the 7th Floor of the Redwood City Courthouse or at the South San Francisco Courthouse on select days. You will probably have to wait in line for a considerable period of time in order to meet with the Facilitator. You can also get help by contacting one of the legal programs listed in the Resources section of this handbook.
• File the forms - at the South County Court, 400 County Center in Redwood City or the North County Court, 1050 Old Mission Road in South San Francisco. There is no charge for filing, but you may have to leave the papers and come pick them up the following day. Before bringing the papers to the court, you should make extra copies of any other papers that you are filing with the Restraining Order. The court will make you free copies of the Restraining Order, but not of other forms.
• If the judge approves your application, he/she will sign your Temporary Restraining Order (TRO) which will last until your hearing date. The Court will give a copy of the TRO to the San Mateo County Sheriff, located on the 3rd floor of the Redwood City Courthouse. The Sheriff will enter the Order into a state computer system so that all police agencies will be aware of the Order. It is also a good idea for you to give copies of the Order to individual police stations where you live and work.
• Have someone serve the Order to the batterer - Someone other than you must personally hand a copy of the Restraining Order and related paper work to the batterer. If you do not get the batterer served before two days prior to the hearing, the judge cannot issue the permanent (three-year) Restraining Order. However, you can fill out a one-page form called an Application and Order for Reissuance and ask the judge to continue the Temporary Restraining Order and set a new hearing date so that you have time to try again to have the batterer served. 
      To get a Restraining Order served, you can:
  ? Have a friend or relative (who is over 18) hand the papers to the batterer and sign a Proof of Service indicating their name, address, phone number, and when and where they served him/her the papers.
  
  ? Ask the San Mateo County Sheriff (Civil Division, 400 County Center, 3rd Floor, Redwood City, CA 94063, 650-363-4541) or the Sheriff in the county where the batterer lives or works to give him/her the papers. The San Mateo County Sheriff will do this for free, but Sheriffs in other counties may charge a fee.
  
  ? Hire a Process Server (see local phone book for phone numbers). They will charge a fee.
  
  ? Ask the police to serve him/her if they are called to the scene of an incident and the batterer has not yet been served.

If you do get the batterer served, file the Proof of Service at the court and give copies to the Sheriff and Police

• Attend the Court Hearing - You must appear in court on the assigned hearing date for the judge to issue the three-year permanent Restraining Order. If the batterer does not attend the hearing, the judge can issue the order if you have the Proof of Service showing that he/she was served. If the batterer does attend the hearing and you do not agree about custody and visitation of your children, you will be sent to Family Court Services, 400 County Center, 7th Floor, Redwood City, CA 94063, (650) 363-4561 to have a mediation about custody and visitation.
  
  The mediator will try to work out an agreement about custody and visitation. If you meet with him/her and do not reach an agreement, the mediator will write a report telling the judge what he/she thinks is in the best interest of your children. You may have to come back several times for court hearings.

• File the Restraining Order after the Hearing - If the judge issues the Restraining Order, you need to have him/her sign a form called a Restraining Order After Hearing (Clets) which is similar to your Temporary Restraining Order except the order lasts for three years and the child custody, visitation, and support orders may be ongoing. You must then file this form with the court and give copies to the police.

Civil Harassment Restraining Orders

If your relationship to the batterer does not meet the conditions described above, you can still get a Restraining Order but you have to file a Civil Harassment Restraining Order in the Superior Court (rather than a Domestic Violence Restraining Order in the Family Law Court). The process is similar, except for the following:

• The forms are available in Room A of the Redwood City Courthouse rather than Room B.
• The Temporary Restraining Order is signed by the presiding judge or the judge who is assigned to hear "ex parte" matters that day. Usually, you need to bring the completed forms to the second floor between 2:00 PM and 3:30 PM.
• There is a fee of $189.00 for filing a Civil Harassment case and the court does not usually make you free copies. If you have a low income, the judge can sign a form waiving the fees (i.e., telling you that you do not have to pay). Ask for a Fee Waiver form when you pick up the rest of the Civil Harassment Restraining Order forms and submit these forms to the judge when you give him/her the Temporary Restraining Order to sign. Also, the court may not require the fee if violence has occurred.

Who Can Help you get a Restraining Order?
Center for Prevention of Domestic Violence (650) 312-8515
Sor Juana Ines 1-800-300-1080
Family Law Services (650) 366-8401 ext. 311

What happens if the order is violated?
Violations of a restraining order are a misdemeanor crime. If you believe a restraining order has been violated, call the police and make a report. If the restrained person is at your house when the police get there, they may be arrested, or you may make a citizen's arrest. Restraining orders in and of themselves do not guarantee your safety, but they do put the restrained person on notice you intend to assert your rights. It gives the police the ability to arrest someone if they violate the order when an arrest can legally be made.

Frequently Asked Questions:

"Can violence be prevented?"
Domestic violence is a complicated interaction between two people, and probably has its origins in life experiences and early childhood. It is difficult to predict who may resort to violence under stress, and who will not. We would offer the following suggestions:

• Adopt a policy of zero tolerance. We believe that any act of violence is unacceptable. Some people say that the very first act of violence ends the relationship; others say that with the first act, the declaration of "if this ever happens again, I'm gone" is the right thing to do. Still others want to give counseling a try, if the offender is willing. These are issues you need to discuss with your advocates and counselors, to reach a decision you feel comfortable with. What is not a good idea, however, is to do nothing, and have no plan. Left unchecked, violence will continue, and only get worse.
• Beware of the danger signs: Watch your partner to see how they treat people who are not in an equal power position, such as waitresses, and salespeople. If frustration in dealing with them results in anger, abuse, and outbursts, the same will be directed at you at a later time.
• Also, be aware of jealous, possessive, or controlling behavior- no one is a possession to be owned by someone else, and no caring person takes other people's decisions away from them, or tries to keep them away from their friends or relatives. It's not love or caring- it's abuse.
• Have a trusted network of friends you can confide in: Abusers try to isolate the people they abuse, and keep them away from their friends. It's easier to dominate and control someone if they have no one else to go to. If something is going on in the relationship that just doesn't feel right, always have someone you can discuss these matters with, and whose opinion you trust. If your partner is suspicious or jealous of the time you spend with your friends that you had before the relationship, that is a really big warning signal that should not be ignored.
• Finally, be a friend to someone else and help them if they are in a dangerous situation.

"Does it make a difference whether I am married or not? "
No. In a domestic violence case, the law affords the same protection, whether the people involved are married, separated, engaged, divorced, domestic partners, dating, or have had a child together. There are small differences in some laws, but your protection and right to be free from violence applies, no matter what the underlying relationship.

"Can the police keep the offender in jail so they won't come back and hurt me even more?"
For a while, but not forever. How long the offender is in jail depends on what their criminal record is, and what they were arrested for. If the offense is a felony, such as domestic violence or assault where there is evidence of trauma, the offender will be taken to the County Jail, and will not be released until they can post bail, or unless a judge decides to release them on their own recognizance, awaiting further court action. This might take several hours to a few days. If it is a misdemeanor, such as violating a court order, unless there is clear evidence that the offense will continue, the violator must be released on their signed promise to appear. This means, the offender will be in custody only a few hours. We can arrange to notify you when an offender is being released, and you can always call us if you need help finding a safe place to stay.

Restraining orders may be appropriate if you are worried about someone coming back to cause more problems for you.

"Can the police just get my partner to leave the house, and leave me alone?"
If there is no evidence that anyone has committed a crime, and there is no active restraining order, then we have no legal authority to order any resident out of their own house, regardless of who's on the lease. We may persuade someone to leave, if it would help the situation, and we are usually successful in doing so. Or, if you want to leave, we will wait while you gather what you need and are safely on your way.

"I was defending myself from my partner and I hit them. Does that mean I will get arrested too, if I call the police?"
No. While the law provides equal protection to each partner, you obviously can defend yourself if you are being attacked. What we expect, however, is for you not to just stay and fight it out, but to get to a place of safety and call us. If there is evidence that the fight or violence was mutually provoked, and mutually continued when there was clear opportunity to seek law enforcement assistance, both partners could be arrested. What most likely would happen, however, is that the case would be referred to the District Attorney for evaluation. These are very rare cases, and it is usually pretty clear who is the primary aggressor, and who is the victim.

"If I have someone arrested, will I have to go to court?"
Maybe. If the person arrested pleads not guilty, you will have to go to court to tell your side of the story. Most cases are settled out of court, and if that happens, you won't have to go. Should you end up being called as a witness, there are support people from both the District Attorney and Battered Women's Alternatives who will go to court with you, and make sure you are neither harassed nor intimidated while you are there.

"If I press charges, will that really do anything to help? Won't it just make my partner even more furious at me when he gets out of jail?"
We don't think so. Just being in an abusive relationship is problem enough, and standing up for your rights as a victim won't make it any worse. If nothing else, an abusive partner will be greatly inconvenienced for a while, and it may give you the opportunity and time to develop a more long lasting solution to the problem. Studies show that a vigorous program of education, zero tolerance, aggressive enforcement and prosecution, and a broad base of victim services is the only lasting solution to domestic violence and abuse.

Please, if you are in an abusive relationship...seek some help to get out.
Call us at 650-286-3300 if you need to talk to an officer or to get advice.

If you are in immediate danger, get out of the location and call 9-1-1 right away!

We're here to help. All you need to do is call 650-286-3300 or send us an e-mail at police@fostercity.org

Thank you to Walnut Creek Police Department and County of San Mateo for information used in the creation of this page.